Samples of Plain Language Rewrites and
Organizational Change
Examples:
From a life insurance application form (submitted by Ron Scheer, www.saywhatyoumean.com):
Before:
If you fail to comply with your duty of disclosure and we
would not have entered into the contract on any terms if the
failure had not occurred, we may void the contract within three
years of entering into it. If your non- disclosure is fraudulent,
we may void the contract at any time. Where we are entitled to
void a contract of life insurance we may, within three years of
entering into it, elect not to void it but to reduce the sum that
you have been insured for in accordance with a formula that takes
into account the premium that would have been payable if you had
disclosed all relevant matters to us.
After:
If you fail to disclose any relevant matter and we would not
offer you insurance if this matter were known, we may within
three years (1) void the contract or (2) reduce the sum for which
you have been insured. If your nondisclosure is fraudulent, we
may void the contract at any time.
From an insurance company form letter:
We have recently implemented an enhancement to our computer
system that will enable us to provide better service to our
valued customers. This has resulted in a slight delay in the
processing of your renewal. The difference you will notice is in
the payment schedule. Your annual policy premium has been divided
over 11 (eleven) months, and as a result your monthly payment
will have increased due to the reduced number of monthly
installments.
Rewritten in plainer language:
We are a little late in sending your renewal documents because
we have made a change in our computer system in order to provide
better service. Your annual premium will now be divided over 11
months instead of 12 so the monthly payment will increase
slightly.
From a travel agent:
METHOD OF PAYMENT: All quotes are for cash or certified cheque
only. A personal or company cheque will take 10 working days to
clear. Documents cannot be released until we are in receipt of
cleared funds. Payment within 7 days of departure may incur
courier charges.
Rewritten in plainer language:
We have indicated a price based on your paying us by cash or
certified cheque or credit card. If you pay by a personal or
company cheque, we will want 10 working days for your cheque to
clear your bank. We will not provide your tickets or other travel
documents until then. If we receive your payment by personal or
corporate cheque less than 7 days before your scheduled
departure, we will charge you the cost of sending your documents
by courier.
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British plain-language expert Martin Cutts commented on one
scientific writing habit, refusing to use personal pronouns:
... the statement "it is considered that fluoridation of
drinking water is beneficial to health" leaves readers
wondering who considers this -- the writer, wider scientific
opinion, or both. Usually readers can make an intelligent guess
from the context, but this means extra work for them and they
will sometimes guess wrongly. No scientists worth their salt want
their readers to engage in guess-work... The prohibition (against
personal pronouns) can lead to woolliness, as in this
example:
During the inspection, load checking of several tendons in the
upper stressing gallery of G4 was witnessed. Several points were
raised with the company about this procedure. These were: the
numbering of the tendon anchorages, the numbering of strands for
load checking and the calibration of the feeler gauge used to
determine when tendon lift-off occurred. The company reported
that all the load-checking procedures were under review. The
latter point was accepted and would also be incorporated into the
procedure. These changes will be reviewed by the author during
the next site visit.
and the rewrite
During the inspection, I watched load checking of several
tendons in the upper stressing gallery of G4 and raised the
following points with the company about this procedure: the
numbering of the tendon anchorages, the numbering of strands for
load checking, and the calibration of the feeler gauge used to
determine when tendon lift-off occurred. The company reported
that all the load-checking procedures were under review but
accepted the last of these points and said they would incorporate
it into their procedures. I will review these changes during my
next site visit.
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From newspapers on Clinton's speech
explaining why the U.S. attacked Sudan and Afghanistan with
cruise missiles:
They are seeking to acquire chemical weapons and other
dangerous weapons.
The evidence was apparently lacking for a more convincing and
much stronger statement rewritten without the words
"seeking to":
They are acquiring chemical weapons and other dangerous
weapons.
From a newspaper article about the NCAA's
concern about aluminum baseball bats:
In response to the concerns, the NCAA announced that the
baseball rules committee will recommend a maximum batted-ball
exit velocity of 93 mph and a change in the size and weight specs
of non-wooden bats beginning with the 1999 season.
This rewrite is much better with a list than a
rambling sentence:
Responding to the concerns, the NCAA announced new
recommendations from the baseball rules committee, to begin with
the 1999 season:
|
Batted-ball exit speed maximum of 93 mph |
|
Change in size and weight specifications for non-wooden bats |
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From a brief of a few years ago. Widgets
inserted to protect the guilty (submitted by Judge Mark P.
Painter, Cincinnati, Ohio, www.judgepainter.org):
Due to the fact that the plaintiff-appellant had up to this
point in time supplied an insufficient number of widgets,
defendant-appellee specified that, in the event that an
insufficient number was supplied in the future, the contract
would be held to be terminated, and deemed to be null and void
and of no further effect. (55 words)
Translation:
Because Smith Co. had not supplied enough widgets, Jones Co.
said that, if this happened again, Jones would terminate the
contract. (21 words)
From A Civil Action by Jonathan
Harr, a close call...
He said he wanted a settlement that would provide for the
economic security of the families, and for their medical bills in
the future.
Perhaps clearer:
He said he wanted a settlement that would make the families
financially secure as well as pay their future medical bills.
And a recent headline from a Virginia
case:
"It's a $25 fine for driving while applying
mascara."
This reverses the onus on the wrong behavior ands makes it
sound like:
|
It is the applying of mascara that is unlawful, instead of
the driving under sub-optimum conditions; or |
|
The primary activity was applying mascara which was
interrupted by driving. |
Rewritten, the headline should properly read:
"It's a $25 fine to apply mascara while
driving."
From a Clarity Award Winner from the State
Bar of Michigan's Plain English Committee:
"[Name] informed you of the procedures for calculating
interest for insufficient estimates. If the enclosed invoice(s)
include charges for insufficient estimates, a detailed
insufficient estimated [sic] used to calculate these charges is
also enclosed."
Changed to:
"How to pay your bill: To avoid penalties as well as
further interest, you must pay this bill by its due
date."
And another Michigan Award Winner:
Before:
I give my Agent the power to exercise or perform any act,
power, duty, right, or obligation whatsoever that I have or may
hereafter acquire, relating to any person, matter, transaction,
or property, real or personal, tangible or intangible, now owned
or hereafter acquired by me, including, without limitation, the
following specifically enumerated powers. I grant to my Agent
full power and authority to do everything necessary in exercising
any of the powers herein granted as fully as I might or could do
if personally present, with full power of substitution or
revocation, hereby ratifying and confirming all that my Agent
shall lawfully do or cause to be done by virtue of this Power of
Attorney and the powers herein granted.
After:
I give my agent the power to do anything that I have a right
or duty to do, now or in the future.
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Here's a dialogue box I encountered when
setting up my e-mail (submitted by Sally McBeth, Toronto,
Ontario, Clear
Language and Design):
Before:
Check for messages every 30 minutes. If my computer is not
connected at this time, connect only when not working
offline..
After:
Check for messages every 30 minutes when I am working
online.
Here's an original, written about an
electronic toll system by a trained engineer, as they
like to call themselves (submitted by Mona Albano, Toronto,
Ontario):
Before:
Make sure that the account holder's name on the account is
the same as the name of the customer to whose account the
transaction should be attributed.
After:
Make sure that this account is for the right customer.
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